Earth: Behind the blue
Grimjaw Slugspade
Earth, it seems from the outside, is a paradise. The blues and greens, the shining yellow "eyes" at night, the tall, bipedal creatures called "Huemuns". But strip back the image and actually travel there, and what do you see?
As it happens, the "Eyes" are actually artificial lights, polluting the sky so they cannot see our glorious planet in all its, well, glory. The Huemuns, it seems, have all but destroyed their atmosphere (which for the less then casual AstronomyTube watcher is a protective sphere around some planets that shields against things harmful to the planet's residents; e.g. Earth, asteroids, Neptune, the ten billion gorfles of "bacon cheeseburgers" that Earth expels into space every spicicle). They are building huge "skyscrapers" all over the once-beautiful landscape. And what's worse, Footlongs are now SIX DOLLARS! The Gomjabbermanity!
We spoke with a Gomjabber who traveled to Earth and a captured Huemun. See if you can guess which is which.
1: "We've seen the falsehoods behind the mask, and it has not pleased the masses. Huemuns are hostile and unstable, and their decline into psychopathy has been slowed only slighty by Bustin' Jeeber."
2: "AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD! HELLLLLLLLLLPP! WHAT'S THAT TUBE?! NO! NO! NO! GOD NO! NOOOGLMGRRRGLMRLGMRLGRMGLRMGRLGRMGLRMGRL!
Easy, right?
Well, the good news (or from the Huemun's standpoint, bad news) is that after the event the Huemuns call the "Apocalypse" (obviously after beloved but deadly Mars-ian governor P. H. Uhpocaalips), Earth will be ripe for the picking. Take note, resort investers!
Grimjaw Slugspade is the most highly acclaimed columnist in all of Mars.
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